What does a void feel like?
Does it equate feeling empty, or becoming emptiness itself? Surely you can't believe they're both the same, can you?
Feeling empty = something's missing (Extrinsic)
Becoming emptiness = Unfillable, unquenchable (Intrinsic)
For obvious reasons, this doesn't apply to everyone. It's the workings of my mind alone.
I saw this pipe on my way home today. It's one of those pipes that collect and drain water from upper stories and let it flow during the rains. The small strip-like area where too much water must've flown out was so bare I could see pebbles underneath the concrete. Like a skinned animal.
It wasn't like the same kind of cruelty though. The erosion of the concrete was like the gentle gift of time. It was almost remarkable to watch, with a reminding lesson of how time takes without you realizing it. This could be the same for love as well.
Which makes me wonder. How long does it take before you give up? Before your resolve in love erodes because what you expected to be there never existed, or it's gone, or everything was a fleeting illusion. A year? Two? But this feeling is not ugly. Not in my opinion at least. It's not like God's own oceans washing away everything like one mega deep cleaning washer. It's not like a carpenter painfully sawing away rotten parts of wood. This feeling is enlightening and lightnening my shoulders. Much like coming home and taking your bra off, leaving a deep, comforting sigh you never knew you were holding in the entire day. It leaves behind marks because you needed it, and so you take it off and the absence is relief. This kind of absence is home you never realized you already built overtime.
A starved child will even lick knives, yes. But what happens when starvation brings in a horrid revelation that makes the child pull out and eat its own stomach just so it won't feel hungry anymore? Then that child is no longer a child, and it's no longer starving. It's a cannibal, a zombie, an abomination frowned upon by angels and demons alike. Then what does it do? Where does it go? Does it now have a void? Or has it become one?
The child thinks, "Why pester someone else? Why beg? Why negotiate? Why be desperate? So yes, I shall eat myself. I shall eat, so I shall be full, Then I shall feel no hunger. Then I shall no longer feel the need to beg for what I deserve. Then I shall preserve my dignity this way."
It's understandable, yet so unfair how people fail to understand the difference between starving and someone making you starve.
Does emptiness manifest as a pre-existing entity or something that was there but no longer exists? Does sadness simply exist or does it materialize only when a love that was there is not in place anymore?
Now am I starving? Or am I being starved? You would know. Would you know?
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