Dhruvan
I hate liars, although I'm one myself.
Yeah, I'm a hypocrite, so what? Lying is one of my flairs. I lie to my own family, and doing that to anyone else was a piece of cake.
But my heart wouldn't let me use this skill of mine when it came to her.
I don't know what came over me this morning that made me say something so racy to her without any filter at that. I could've shut my mouth. I could've lied. But no, I just had to go and do that. There goes another attempt at regaining my dignity. I want to protest with myself, saying it's not my fault, but honestly, it is. I may be timid and a liar, but I'm a man.
What man in his right mind could resist the honor of having a woman feel so comfortable and safe in your presence? Not me, that's for sure.
My body had never been out of control before, especially my…private areas. But everything was risky with her. She was a risky business. I gave her control over me and I don’t even know when it happened.
Everything with her was moving in slow motion. Watching her curl up like a chinchilla and almost disappear under the blanket made me so sorrowful for her, and yet she looked adorable asleep.
I made sure to stop by a town and fill my tank before I used the bathroom and got back in the car. Thank God for tinted windows. She was moving around in her sleep now, each expression of hers saying so many things but keeping the suspense of the plot in her dreams. Her tiny little sounds resembled that of a kitten's, and I could spend quite some time observing this. I could attempt reading her in her sleep.
What is your story, Kalpana Kumaran? Why do you talk the way you do? Why do I see glimpses of a different person hidden in your eyes? Why do you hide the bruise under your sleeves from me? Or do you usually hide them from everyone? What gave you the bruise? Or better yet, who? Why are you scared of the mountains?
Before I knew it, I fell asleep to the lullaby of her gentle sighs.
A distant sound of the Suprabhatam woke me up first, and I am glad it happened that way because God blessed me with the best view I ever saw. I had never appreciated nature before. I only liked the hills because that was one place where I rarely saw people. True nature is what I witnessed the next second I opened my eyes.
The sunlight gently descended on her face that was turned towards me, and her skin looked so much like leche flan straight out of the oven - sweet and delicate. I don't know when she took off her turtleneck sweater, but that crewneck top she was probably wearing underneath exposed her neck.
Her dangerously inviting neck I couldn't take my eyes off of.
Countless times I tried averting my sight, but it's like my eyes developed a mind of their own.
The thought of my lips on her pretty dainty neck kept snaking its way into my mind like those prominent, river-like veins traveling to lands unknown below the neckline of her top.
A hesitant rain of yellow flowers falling on the car broke me out of the trance and I took control of my eyes and legs to get out of the vehicle before my hand could find its way to her face.
Kalpana
The delicious smell of fresh dosas woke me up from my sleep, and it took me a few seconds to register that I wasn't home in my bed, but in Dhruvan's car. He was texting away on his phone with a creased forehead for a couple of seconds before he turned his eyes towards me. He had us parked before a small yet cozy tiffin center that had just opened, considering the fact that the open kitchen was just stocking up while the main chef swirled dosas in a perfect circle every single time. Is that how God made the moons?. Like a switch, his eyes lightened up as he walked to me with a gently emerging smile on his lips.
"Thought I'd wait till the order was ready, hoping the aroma would wake you up considering the fact that you haven't had dinner last night. Ma does it for us and it works every time. Guess it worked huh? Up for some breakfast in bed, Kalpana?"
"Why, yes,” I exclaimed subtly while tying my hair up. “Who doesn't love being a passenger princess-"
What…is this memory?
"The smell of hot food should wake up even the most filled stomachs. That's what my mother does. And given your condition imposed on me, I won't have to touch you to rouse you from your sleep."
A sudden string of words not mine entwined around my neck, disabling my speech.
Why did I remember this part now, after all this while? This situation has absolutely no relation to those days in the-
What is happening?
Why am I heaving?
My breath, my breath, where is it? Why can't I breathe?
I can't see-
"Kalpana! Hey! What's wrong?! Kalpana?!" Dhruvan was here, shaking my shoulders, worry splashed on his face. Why can't I respond to him?
Why is this memory coming back to me? Is this a bad omen? Am I going to die? Is that man going to-
No! He died! I found the explosives hidden in his bag. The cottage exploded.
He's not supposed to-
"Oh my God, Kalpana breathe! Look at me! What happened? Did you see something? Did I say something wrong? Respond to me!"
I want to speak to this man standing before me, but the man in my memories won't let me, even in his death.
My vision is blurrier now. Momentarily, it clears up and gets cloudy again.
Dhruvan's gentle thumbs under my eyes make me realize I've shed tears.
I'm trying to breathe with my mouth. There is air in my throat but it's not going inside further.
He palms my face and brings it to his level. "Look. At. Me. Breathe."
I am helpless. I have always been so. "I'm- I'm trying. Make this go away." I don't know when my hands reach out to his sleeves. I feel the pressure on my nails. They dig deeper into his skin with every muscle I move. His face shows the pain he's trying not to complain about, but it's not comforting me. It makes me feel heavier, burdensome. "Help me.” I still try to communicate.
“I don't want-"
I try to explain this.
I can't find the words. My head is hurting now, all over my skull.
Help me, Dhruvan. Engulf me. Don't make me exist with myself. I can't.
"You need to stop this, Kalpana, or I'll simply walk away because I can't see you in such a state.” I recognize that tone even when I’m like this. The tone of irritation. “I can't do anything because I don't know how to." He’s given up. I see it. I’m way too familiar with those expressions.
Those words too...I've heard them before.
If Amma had a weapon for me worse than red hot tongs, it was her mouth. "You just pretend to be weak and physically suffering so you can escape getting disciplined by me. People like you who are good only at acting and nothing else end up in whore houses because that's the only thing they're good for. Stop it now or I'll make it worse for you."
My panic attack transitioned into a breakdown when I realized Dhruvan wasn't the man I thought he was.
And I felt nauseous as soon as I saw my phone with my mother's display picture and the red and green buttons of the call.
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